Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Petrol sniffing
well, we get into this town, wilcanyon.
the van temperature is hot.
the fuel gague is nearly past the red.
i look for a fuel station, and spy one in the distance.
as we get closer, there are gangs of abo's about. they are clustered around the fuel pumps, sniffing the nossles. the fuel station is shut. we need fuel, theres a noise i can hear now we are going really slowly and it sounds like the fuel pump sucking air. so, i pull over to one of the groups not near the fuel station, and ask for directions to a fuel station. they give us some, but we follow and there are none to be seen.
well, fuck this i think, lets find a campsite.
clare says she's seen a sign for one, a we head for it. the noise is getting worse and im getting worried. the van temp is getting critical, but im not stopping for anything. if we get stuck in the middle of this town, we are going to need more than a new van....id give it about 5 minutes before our first arse raping followed by theft and then possibly being beaten unconcious by petrol fuelled assholes. not neccesarily in that order.
we make it to the campsite.
theres a big sign saying its being refurbished and is closed.
well, bollox, im gonna screw the van if we drive any further, so we barrel in. theres no one there official looking. quite what they are refurbishing is anyones guess, maybe they intend to mow the grass. theres not a lot else to do there.
well, i get out of the van, and there is this horrible hissing sound coming from under the engine.
i get out and have a look, and there is fluid pissing out with lots of steam. great , a broken water pipe. that would fit with the temperature. well, we havent got any spares and its dark and there is no way im going into town to check if theres a garage open. we'll (i mean i'll) have to sort it out in the morning.
i go and take the rubbish to a bin and as i walk back to the van, 3 black fellas, walking across the campsite, shout at me to ask if i have any drugs.
up we park, and then notice another van.
theres two girls in it.
the girls are scared, im scared, and these 2 new girls dont look too happy either. i ask if theyd like us to camp next to them and they say they that would be good. so we pitch up.
have a few beers.
we have dinner.
ive run out of ciggies. i thought i would be able to get some in town, but obviously this no longer a great idea.
i see lisa has just sparked one up, and ask if i can have one.
she replies she only has one left. then she says well, ive got one for the morning and one for later. this girl has ponced maybe 60 ciggies and god knows how many beers from me in the past several weeks. i can count the number of beers she has bought me on no hands.
so i say, well, can i have one of the 2 you have left.
she starts going, well, er, ummmm
and i just say say, fucking forget it and go and help with the dishes. i am seething. its not about the ciggy.
i gotta go now, but ill update the rest of the story a bit later cos it gets a bit more juicy.....
taters
kev
thursday
well, its time to get on with the trip, so off we set, nice and early. on the road by 8am. going to backtrack a few hundred k's to port augusta to get a wing mirror for the van.
find a place that sells a "universal" wing mirror. 30 mins of filing and bending later, (swiss army knives are marvellous...) and it fits.
cracking, i can now see on the drivers side.
off we go.
a long day of driving again.
stopped in the afternoon for a beer, got talking to a few locals in this backwater hick town, they ask where we're going etc..... the guy says dont stay in a place called wilcanyon, which is on the way. he says they have a black problem. well, racism is rife i think. on we go....
eventually the light is running out, we havent covered the distance as quickly as we should cos im driving really slowly, the van water temp is up, and because for some reason the 140 k's i thought we had in the tank dissapears ridiculously quickly.
we make it to , yup, Wilcanyon. we enter the twilight zone. i shit you not.
bad roads
well, we start off in the van to get to one of the free campsites. the road turns a bit nasty, and emma asks how long this will keep up, so i look at the map and see that its 30k's of this. Emms not to happy about the van being on this road. which is fair enough, but a little dissapointing. so we head back to the site we just left at the base of the pound walk. we get a powered site and , wow, a shower! how great was that.
a few beers and some feed and we're all knackered, off to bed.
wednesday - freetime!
well, we agreed that we would wake up when we woke up.
great to wake up without an alarm. havent used one of those for ages, was a bit of a shock yesterday morning when it went off at 6 am.
well, had a good sleep. we packed up camp. back to the van. lets go and see these raznges then.
off we go, stopped at a shop to restock. then onward. its about 100 k's to the ranges. the van seems to be a bit sluggish, and the fuel economy has dropped quite a lot. i convince myself this is because of the strong headwinds we have been experiencing. i nearly open the engine up, but for some reason dont. theres loads of shit on the seats that you have to lift up to get at the engine bay, and a welsh girl too.
so onward, up into the ranges.
beutifull.
could be scotland.
if youve ever driven on the m6 as you cross the england scotland border you'll know what i mean.
well, anyways, we get to the national park. kangas are now rife. i mean they are everywhere. its raining, and the water is pooling up on the road. the kangas like this, and they are all out on the road drinking it. like twenty or thirty of them every 30 yards or so. you cant see anything else except kangas. what a beutifull sight!
these are a little more clever than the one i hit, and they jump off the road when you approach. never seen so many.
so, we go into the national park. find out about campsites, and then we go on a walk to see willpena pound. its a good 2.5 hour hike there and back.
lisa borrows emmas spare pair of boots, cos she hasnt got any. she left them in NZ as she couldnt be bothered to carry them....
we al set off, and lisa is immediately doing my nut in.
as we leave, she wants to know if we should get a backpack to hold the 2 litre bottle of water we have.
"no, i think we'll be ok to carry it lisa" claire replies, and takes the bottle off her.
this becomes an issue. such a small thing, but they start to prey on your mind. she wont carry the bottle. the routine seems to be that who ever has the last drink carries it. i offer it to lisa. she takes a drink. shes walking in front of me. without turning round, she just puts her arm behind her with the bottle in it and starts shaking it, like a child wanting something, says nothing. this goes on for about 30 seconds. clare is walking beside me, and i point it out to her. we start laughing, and i say , would you like me to carry that for you lisa? to which she replies a grunt.
well, i grab it off her.
pressure is mounting.....
then she starts whinging about the boots, and shes playing it to emma like she wants her boots instead....emma stands fast and says that there is nothing she can do about it....
we get to the loookouts, where you climb up this steep slope over rock and vegetation, and all of a sudden you can see the pound, which is like a corral, but massive. well worth it. theres another lookout 400 m away, which , having hiked all the way up, i would like to see. Lisa starts complaining about her feet, getting blisters. well, im on my way to the other lookout i say, anyone coming.
lisa is straight onto emma, well, im going back, so come on then.
emma's having none of it, she wants to come too.
lisa mutters something about her feet and heads off back to the van. we hike another 400 meters and see the more spectacular view. marvellous. the mood lightens. its good not to have her around.
we're hiking back. there is one path to follow. just one, no others. we're nearly back at the van, maybe 500 meters away in the forest, following the path. in the distance we spy a familiar figure, jaunting along, coming towards us.
needless to say, its lisa.
"what are you doing? i thought your feet hurt?" i ask incrediously.
"oh, they are agony...." she says as she wanders along, nothing wrong with her obviously...
anyways, turns out she got lost. quite how, im not sure. she started going on about the confusing trail signs. which is bollox, as i tell her. she starts counting to ten, and i remark that her numeracy skills are coming along really well.
well, i start needling her about getting lost on a single track path and she just shuts up. you know what im like, it was open season. anyway, many laughs were had. managed to make it back to the van in one hit, shockingly.
Tuesday - dusk
so on we go, we come to a town called, quite amuzingly, Quorn.
Anything was funny at that point.
Theres a campsite. i go in, and as per girls instructions, ask about free camping nearby. i can hardly walk at this stage, have been driving for about 14 hours. Everything that isnt covered in teflon is stuck to something else. which on me, is everything.
The woman says that to camp here is 22 dollars for the four of us, including use of showers....thats 9 english pounds between four of us folks. Can i convince them we need to stop here? for the sake of 2.33 pounds or whatever each?? can i fuck.
on we go, more driving. i am so tired its not true.
we find several more potential sites on the way to a gorge, but they are no good for camping.
Oh, i didnt mention, but 2 people sleep in the van, 2 in the tent. There was no rotation. Lisa and Emma in the van, me and clare in the tent. We brought this up as a discussion point but noone was prepared to shift places. Lisa at this stage is doing my nut in, but ill come to that later. We find one place that looks ok, but the ground is way too hard and covered in spiky grass, no way for a good nights sleep here. The two who stay in the van look a little pissed off, they want to get settled now...when we say ok, fine, u 2 can camp on this shit they change their mind and on we go.
Its now nearing dusk again. We eventually come to the end of the track, a gorge. there are kangas everwhere. i mean everywhere, whole groups (mobs?) of them. its beatifull. there is a free campsite here. i pull up, and fall out of the van.
Lisa lights up a ciggie. i see the two other girls unloading all the stuff.
i give them a hand. Lisa smokes, and looks at us working.
i am too tired to go mental. But its coming.
I have 2 beers and am completely pissed. Have to put the tent up too. Anybody fancy putting it up for me? Do they fuck.
I sleep like a baby, but without the crying.
Rehab Tuesday
Well, vowed i would never drive at night again in the bush.
Got up at 6am so would have as much daylight as possible to drive in.
Fairly boring day. Wind in my ears, stereo on full blast, pants stuck to your bottom, everything sweaty, testicles stuck to the side of your leg etc. Just drink, drink, drink , drive, drive, drive, smoke, smoke, smoke. Must have drunk 5 or 6 litres of water that day, had one small piss. Dehydration is a serious buisness out here.
saw some sighns that kept me amuzed on the road. As i said before, there are all manner of critters that will wander around on the roads. There are often signs to warn you about them. The first one was a hand painted sign that simply said:
"Caution, Cattle Crossing".
About 30 mins later, another sign appeared, obviously made by the same person, but someone had changed it to:
"Caution, Cattle Jumping".
when you havent been able to hear anybody say anything all day because of the wind, and your brain has zoned, this becomes quite amuzing....
the next one read
"Caution, Cattle Fucking" which nearly caused me to crash and the one after that was
"Caution, Cattle Keeping it Real".
there was another sign , i cant remeber when we saw it, it was on one of the state borders. It was a ghostbusters style motif but with a huge cartoon fruit fly instead of a ghost. Its one of the stupidist looking signs i have ever seen.
Anyways, Got to port augusta about 6 pm, a good hour of daylight left. This is a reasonably large town, with 4 lane roads (wow, what a treat!) and to be honest, the traffic freaked me out. Plus not being able to see anything on the right side of the van did not help, no windows to see out of either....anyways, we decide that we are going to detour to the flinders ranges, and see how far we can get.
i drive up into the hills, all the more going into roo country. The dreaded "Watch out for kangaroo" sign appears, and i slow down.... we get onto this road that is going up into the hills, really windey, with banked corners, like a scalectrix track. Im loving it. The westfield would eat this road i think to myself.
Anyway, we are looking for somewhere to stay for the night, prefereably free, according to the girls wishes, but i dont give a shit anymore, just want to stop driving, even though this road is great.
we spy a track heading off left to what looks like a farmhouse, so we take it.
We go over a train track, (which is bloody scary when there are no barriers or lights, just a "Hey! there could be a train coming!" sign).
We get up there and its not looking like a farmhouse anymore, but like some sort of residential building.
This quite cute chick is off in the distance so i give her a "Hello!' from where we are and walk over to meet her, keeping my distance once i get close because frankly, i stink.
when i ask her if we can stay, she says we cant because this is a rehabilitation establishment. Not the place to go if you want to party. I reply that i am in need of lots of rehab at the moment and that i could claim to be addicted to anything that she wants if she would just let us stay, but it was to no avail.
Off we headed, on into the growing gloom of twilight once more.
Dusk, Monday
Its still monday.
So, am driving down the road. Its getting toward dusk , we have about 80 k's to go to get to where we need to be. have misjudged the distance. didnt want to be on the road right now. but, well, bollox to it. Ill slow down a bit when it gets dark. I'll get my foot down now though, while we still have light.
dusk comes. we havent done the required distance.
suddenly its pitch black.
I'm peering into the murky gloom, tired eyes from the days driving. The van lights are pretty dim. Full Beam doesnt make much difference. Ive slowed down, to 80Km/Hr. weve still got about 40 k's to do, and i just wanna get this over with, but i darent go any faster. i just cant see far enough ahead, and the bush is closing in from the side of the road.
Suddenly, i discern a shape that doesnt fit as a bush or a tree, its just ahead, and i see it now, its a grey kangaroo, my eyes taking just too long to figure out what it is.
Its sat in the scrub on my side of the road, about 20 yards away. Its looking toward us, nose twitching, trying to figure out what we are.
It decides we are a threat. It leaps forward, straight into the road, this is just at the time ive figured out what it is. im trying to swerve, but it leaps out further, right where i had just changed our heading to.
Theres an almightly thump and the poor thing hits the roo bar on the front of the van and bounces off. I manage to control the van and slow down and, shakingly, stop.
Reach for a ciggarette. Inhale. Shake. Calm down, we are ok. The girls have been woken by the almighty crash.
We get out. Im hoping that ive killed it, that its not still alive.
we walk back down the road.
There he is, a big grey roo. his eyes are still bright, he looks like he's ok, like he doesnt know whats happened, in a daze like, but he looks peacefull. then his legs start to kick, and he cant get up. he keeps kicking, and im asking the girls what have we got in the van to kill him with, put him out of his misery. but theres nothing. no spade or club. Only my swiss army knife. I didnt have the courage to help him with my knife. Hes kicking as well, he would hurt me if i tried i think, i dont think i could have done it. I couldnt even face running over him again. I left him there on the side of the road. I convinced myself that he would die soon anyway, peacefully without pain, because we hit him pretty hard. He wasnt barking like they do when they are distressed.
As we drove on I felt cowardly and ashamed. Im sorry roo, that i couldnt help you. I vowed i wouldnt be like that again.
we drove on, really slowly. got to the campsite 200 k's from coober peedy and drank a toast to him.
Birds on Monday
Well, was driving down the road....(many of these entries for the road trip are going to start like this....), just minding my own buisness,doing about 120k's/hr, window down, arm hanging out the window. I see a black blob in the middle of the road, getting much bigger very quickly. this all happens in about 2 secs, and all of a sudden
BANG!
Glass flying toward me, in my face, all over the drivers seat. Luckilly i had my sunglasses on otherwise i would be writing this in braile right now.
Slowed the van down, shaking. Stopped eventually and pulled off the road. glass everywhere. Im feeling my face and head for blood.
there isnt any fortuantely.
This stupid bird had flown into the wing mirror, smashing it to pieces and straight into my face.
well, the bird was beyond salvage obviously. Luckily i was Ok, as i said my sunnies having saved my optics.
Sorry about the bird.
So, no wing mirror now too.
Cleaned the glass out of my seat. Have a ciggie. on we go.
Driving
Well, i thought, ill do the driving. wont be so bad. should be fun. I like driving.
Ive never driven on these types of roads. I did enjoy it. It got tedious at times.
Ill try and explain:
The roads are straight, dead straight.
They are two lane. They would qualify at best as country roads back home, without the hedges.
There are no speed limits.
There are no crash barriers in the middle of the road.
Its hot and sweaty. (No air con in van, 40 degrees outside)
You feel like you can see 10 kilometers down the road. You cant, its full of mirages. and hiden dips. You dont know if you can see clear road 500 meters ahead or if its 5 kilometers. You cant tell if there is a 178 tonne, 4 trailer road train doing 150km/hour toward you in one of the dips or mirages that may or may not be there. this makes overtaking (on the rare occasion you get to see anybody else) brown trousers time.
There is scrub land on the side of the road, hiding any type of animal from a possum to a camel, which just love to jump out at you. They love to sit here as particularly nice grass grows next to the road, because of the water run off i guess. Its like having invisible 1 tonne rabbits on the side of a motorway. During the day the only things to worry about are cattle, camels and horses (well, i say only, if you hit one of these, youd be lucky to be alive, but at least you stand some chance of seeing them), and birds. All the other animals stay in the shade or are asleep during the day. Mad dogs and englishmen and all that...
This gets especially bad at night, as like rabbits, these creatures just love headlights. Its as if at dusk, little trap doors open on the side of the road and they all climb out, waiting for the light to come and claim them.
If youve ever played the game "Paperboy" you'll know what im talking about.
Its the kind of driving where you get excited about using the steering wheel. Every hour or so the road changes direction a bit, and you get the joyous sensation of lateral movement.
The biggest threat on these roads isnt, weirdly, the road trains or the other cars coming in the opposite direction. The main threat axis is just off the road. You spend most of the time sweeping your eyes up and down the edge of highway, looking out for anything that isnt grass, tree or bush shaped. Very little time is spent actually looking where you are going.
The bow-wash from the roadtrains when they pass you is frightening! They pushed our little mazda E2000 around like it was made from Rizzlas. Still, gives an excuse to use the steering wheel again.
4,3,2 ------ Muggins
well, 4 of us were road tripping from alice springs to sydney.
this is quite a monumental journey. its 2900 kilometers. with the detour we were planning to go to the flinders ranges, it was nearer 3400.
anyways, emma announced that she had lost her glasses. well, thats not a problem we thought, so we went to the opticians to see if there was a one hour glasses place.
no chance. 4 days was the minimum as there arent any glass labs(steady) in alice.
well, that was too long. we had to be in sydney before my mate darren leaves for the uk, on the 21st. last monday was the , uh, 15th.
so, heres the rundown of possible drivers:
4 people: Me, Emma, Clare, Lisa
who has a driving license?
Me, Emma, Lisa
How many have automatic only licenses?
Shockingly, Lisa (thank christ. I wouldnt trust her to drive a tonka truck, let alone a van)
How many out of the remaining two can see.......
Yup, its me.
Leaving Alice
Well, the day finally arrived.
Last monday we picked up emma from a small private airstrip outside the main airport at alice springs, she had been flown back from the gold mine by private jet (!!!!) ( as all receptionists should be), but she had lost her glasses. the impact of this will become clear later on.
so, we all decided that we would leave that day and drove back to alice to pack our shit up.
about an hour later, we were ready to head off, but me and clare and emma thought it might be an idea to clear up the kitchen and the rest of the shit in the house so as we could leave without leaving a whole load of shit around for everyone else, it would be a nice parting gesture.
well, lisa just sat there and watched us do it, and when asked if she would like to help, replied that we should just leave it for the others to do.
well, i managed not to go mental, but about 15 minutes later, with the rest of us in full cleaning mode, i asked her
" do you think you'd like to help us with this clearing up lisa?"
she replied, quite self assuredly, finishing writing a goodbye signature on a piece of paper we were leaving for the rest of the house to say thanks for being so cool,
"excuse me, i will, im just writing on this card"
as if thats some sort of excuse for doing fuck all for the past 15 minutes, well, past 3 weeks ,but anyways, i digress. as you can see, this girl (well, woman, she's 35, you wouldnt believe it though) is heading for a quite severe scolding from me, but this doesnt happen just yet, and it will be told in due course.
anyways, she halfheartedly dried up a few plates, and that was enough for her.
well, i wasnt going to let her get me down, we were leaving and although sad to go, it was definately time to move on. Then came the shock news.
