Saturday, December 13, 2003
itching dispair
have got itchy feet , we are moving on in a few days but i have the feeling i have been here a week too long, have been dwelling on things and made myself quite upset the past couple of days, plus the fact that there is a very negative person in the house which is feeding my emotions down the pan too. but, well, we will be on the road soon enough so there will be plenty to do and keep my mind occupied. anyway, after breakfast this morning i started thinking about sarah, and came to the conclusion (like i have many times before) that she is a bitch and behaved as such. i keep thinking what could i have changed, done differently, but there isnt anything, she knew she didnt want to be with me before i turned up, had made her desicion and didnt have the honesty to herself to admit that, or the decency to tell me. then she's claiming that she's just trying to be a good person and do the right thing and it just makes me feel like she is full of shit. and that way its easier to deal with for me. im dealing with it in chunks, a bit here, a bit there, but im getting there. sweeping it under the carpet most of the time so i can stay sane. the anguish comes when im all alone, as i guess it does for most people, with nothing but my thoughts.
still, another chunk done i guess.
Rant
well, things here good. just whiling away the last few days befre we hit the road on the trek down to sydney. things may get a bit tense as a friend of one of the girls, who has been here for a few weeks is seriously doing peoples heads in, doensnt chip in for anything, monetarilly or physically. and now she was relying (well, expecting?/hoping? dont know what, but she has come here with no money and is scabbing off everyone. she hasnt even paid any rent yet either) on her familly to give her some money for christmas and she has phoned them up and said that they cant, so now she has only 300 dollars left...how she expected to survive here for 3 months with about 500 quid i dont know. dont know where her money is...she hasnt spent any that i can remember! anyway, she scored this job , cash in hand (she has no visa, so cash in hand is all she can get), waitressing , just over the road from where we are staying, piece of piss, it was emms's job before, the girl who is at the goldmine till monday. she lasted 45 minutes and walked out. she now doesnt want to work. "oh, i cant cope with it, im just not cut out for it". this girl is 35. has no idea about anything. she has left the question of what are you going to do open, i think shes waiting for someone to offer to lend her some money. "i think australia must be just so expensive".....arrrghhh!!!
so, well, hopefully she will go home before we get there cos i dont really want her around me. she is so negative, theres no conversation you can have with her, her words are statements. or whinges. she talks incessantly about soap operas and film stars. she is doing my head in!!! as you can probably tell.....
went to "desert park" yesterday, saw all sorts of amazing creatures, eat some bush tucker, saw kites and a wedge tailed eagle, HUGE bird. massive. awesome....was great. was great just to get out of the house...away from that woman....
saw long nosed dragons, about 8 inches long, lizards, they look like little velociraptors and run on their back legs, which is hilarious. jesus can they move.
saw kangas, big red ones, emu's, millions of birds , lots of scaly snaky things, skinks...cracking day
well, sarah still hasnt called me, i guess she is back in yulara by now, i really hope she is ok what with the hospital and all. ive texted her a few times but no reply. well, balls in her court now.
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
the best job i ever had
Emma has been offered the most amazing job from her temp agency.
she gets flown 800km today, to an opal mine, where she spends the next 4 days doing 12 hour shifts on reception at 20 bucks an hour with free accomodation and food, then gets flown back on sunday. how cool is that??!
Olives and hospitals
So i decided to write an olive branch to sarah.
i wrote and delivered to her a letter saying i didnt want our last memories of each other to be bad and hatefull. this is maybe the last time we will ever see each other. can we meet up, even to just say goodbye.
Although there are many questions to answer.
Most of them begin with "Why...."
Whys arent very good questions to ask.
Because you already know what you want the answer to be. And they arent going to give you that answer. even if they did, you wouldnt believe it.
Although i think she owes me a few answers.
As you can tell, she has been on my mind recently.
She replied to my letter by phone, and said that she didnt have time to meet before she was going to alice, to go to the hospital there, which she didnt elaborate on, but she said it was something untrivial. She said she would phone me.
So, im waiting for her call and hoping that whatever has caused her to come 440 km to hospital isnt serious.
Im probably the last person she wants to see right now, but im here if she needs a familiar face or a hand to hold.
I really hope she is ok, and im worried about her.
Clarity
kat talked to me the next day, she could see i was upset. i also started to feel like i was outstaying my welcome, not because of anything she had said, but because she was going to go on holiday in few days time and i wanted to give her some space before she left. i annanouced that i would be leaving the day after, and she proceeded to question me about why, and, christ she is so perceptive, she started talking about how me and sarah had ended, and that she didnt want me to feel that way about her or her place. she managed to get me to admit that sarah made me feel like an inconvenience, no, more than that, an unwelcome pain in the arse. well, more flowed out and i think thats the first time ive really talked about the breakup properly. yup, lots of tears, and unanswered questions, and whys.
I borrowed kats car the next went up to the rock the next day, to the multijulu water hole at sunset. there was noone there. i went for some clarity of thought.
it was beutifull, and raining lightly. but i didnt really get any answers. it did calm me though.
on the way back to the car, i met 2 guys in a shelter, who were smoking. so i asked to have a ciggie, and sat down and talked to them as the suns light finally died and the rain came down. turned out they were talking about women, and how theyd come along to get some similar clarity. a conversation ensued, and some things made sense to me.
people have too many expectations i think, especially me coming out here. having no expectations in others means that you are never dissapointed , and occasionally surprised, as opposed to being nearly constantly dissapointed. People are a problem.
This doesnt mean that you shouldnt have any goals, but your goals should be to/about yourself, rather than being dependant on the actions of others. this also doesnt mean dont have any hope. this seems to make sense at the mo. maybe its bollox, ill find out i guess.
everything happens for a reason.
it is as it is, it will be what it will be.
its all good.
onwards and upwards.
Seeing sarah
well, was having some dinner at the residents club with kat and longmo at the resort, and , well, i suspected this might happen but wasnt ready for the full effect of it, i see sarah as i walk out the door to the terrace. she does a double take, i bottle it and keep walking.
we dont talk to each other.
felt very odd and on edge.
kat did her best to drape herself over me, with the intention looking like we were together, and well, it seemed like a good thing at the time, and of course its always a nice thing to have kat draped over you.
Good times baby
We had many great times there, talking, drinking, just chilling.
Longmos got an 1100cc bmw bike, and the lift i got for the 22km to the rock with him at sunrise one morning at 130km/hour with the rock dominating the horizon was awesome. also had an open face helmet, so eyes streaming and cheeks flapping....
great way to get over a hangover.
went on another of katias tours, which was cracking as always.
were taught to throw spears with a spear thrower.
the anagu guide managed to hit a pole of bamboo sticking upright into the ground 3 times in a row, at a distance of several hundred feet. awesome.
i got within about 10 feet of it, with which i was elated! could get into that.
Was invited to a birthday party for some of katias mates and most of katia tour company crew, so many anagu there (natives), which was a real eye opener.
a great time was had, with one exception....
XXXXing Kanga Piss
Kat is looking after a baby kangaroo, called jarbu. he is one of the cutest things i have ever seen in my life. all legs and huge ears.
hes about 6 months old i think, and was rescued when his mother got shot.
spends most of his time in a pouch, which is just a rucksack. the rest of the time he is eating or learning to hop about the place, or crawling around on all 5's. it was funny trying to get him to hop, i noticed that he would hop when i hopped, or a least more often, as opposed to me walking, so i spent a lot of time hopping about the place with jarbu following me.
when he wants to go back to sleep, anything that looks even vaguely pouchlike will catch his attention. even your lap looks like a pouch to him.
the way they get into a pouch is to leap with complete reckless abandon and do a half somersault, so that they end up upside down, legs sticking up, inside the pouch. one of the funniest things i have ever seen.wil try and get some pics.
also had to toilet the little fella, which involves , yes, rubbing his dick with tissue paper. his natural mother would use her toungue but i thought this a little extreme.
anyway, i know know where they get their fosters from.
invisible cows
well, then it was back on the road and its dark...longmo's driving, and the thing is is that all the wild life comes out after sunset, to avoid the heat. so you cant see see them untill they are right in front of you. you do not want to hit a bull or a kangaroo.
anyways, longmo describes them as invisible cows. so not only did we have to avoid the real cows that we couldnt see right up to the last moment, there were the invisible ones to contend with as well.....
Back to the lions den
well, i decided to hitch back to yulara (thats the resort at uluru, the rock) with kat and longmo.
eventfull journey for the first bit. its 440 km to yulara from alice, and the directions are this:
out of alice springs, take the first right , and keep going for about 2.5 hrs, turn right at the roadhouse, continue for 2.5 hrs.
which is cool. you need more directions than that to get to the pheasant from my mums house!
i said id drive for the first part, got out of alice, and then i thought that the wind had picked up as we were being pushed around the road quite a bit. the car then started to fishtail quite a bit and there was a horrible flapping noise. the seatbelt was hanging out of the back door and had burst the rear tyre. so me and longmo did a great 5 minute pit stop, including unloading all the crap in the car, which was jam packed with the contents of his house as he has just started a teaching job at yulara. then it was just onward along the highway.
we stopped at the mount connor lookout for sunset. awesome. then this tour bus pulls up, and low and behold, the guide is one of my housemates with all his charges.
i introduce him to kat and longmo. he then says, in front of both of them,
"so how did it go with your yulara girl the other night mate....did ya...."
well, i nearly died on the spot, and wished for the ground to open and swallow me whole. fact is , i have never talked about kat like that, as some conquest, had said that this amazing chick who i respect and admire is coming down for the weekend to my housemates.
anyways....kat laughs, i turn round and give an "arrrgghhhhh!" face to kat, and then proceed to reintroduce kat to him as "this is kat, from yulara...." to which he stutters, goes bright red....says, "oh, i must have been thinking of someone else, who was that etc" and wanders off... i immediately apologise to kat and she just laughs and says, dont worry , it was funny, i know youd never talk about me like that. which was cool, because we then enjoyed the sunset which was bloody awesome, it was lightening storms on both sides of mount connor, with outbreaks of deep purple and blue between the clouds and then great rays of golden light breaking through in light sabre esque beams. quite amazing
