Sunday, November 23, 2003
Beer taxi
christ knows how i made it home last night on my bike, had a few too many bevvies like after the rugby and was knocking out some shapes down at melankas. i do vaguely remeber wobbling home on the push bike. apparantly you can loose your car license here by being pissed in charge of a push bike. scary.
i even cooked when i got in....sausage and egg sarny by the looks of the mess this morning....probably lucky i didnt burn the house down.
peter kay
my mate bov has sent me a list of peter kay one liners.
if we're not supposed to eat animals , why are they made out of meat??
heres one for my brother:
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
heres one for simon cooper (where the hell is he? if anyone sees him, give him my email adress at the top of this page and get him to get in touch):
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first
given opportunity.
and heres one for general advice:
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your
hand or head stuck in something.
one for the ladies:
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
and finally.....
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm
broken by a swan.
my mate bov has sent me a list of peter kay one liners.
if we're not supposed to eat animals , why are they made out of meat??
heres one for my brother:
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
heres one for simon cooper (where the hell is he? if anyone sees him, give him my email adress at the top of this page and get him to get in touch):
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first
given opportunity.
and heres one for general advice:
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your
hand or head stuck in something.
one for the ladies:
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
and finally.....
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm
broken by a swan.
my favorite new joke
bloke goes to the doctor, with a bad pain in his arm. the doctor examines it, and says to the man:
"well, theres good news and bad news"
the guy responds "well, ok, whats the bad news?"
"im going to have to amputate your arm" replies the doctor.
"holy shit" retorts the patient "oh no, jesus, shit. well, whats the good news?"
"you see that nurse over there?" says the doc, pointing at a pretty staff nurse "i shagged her last night"
bloke goes to the doctor, with a bad pain in his arm. the doctor examines it, and says to the man:
"well, theres good news and bad news"
the guy responds "well, ok, whats the bad news?"
"im going to have to amputate your arm" replies the doctor.
"holy shit" retorts the patient "oh no, jesus, shit. well, whats the good news?"
"you see that nurse over there?" says the doc, pointing at a pretty staff nurse "i shagged her last night"
band aid
right about now, i guess you have all been listening to that cd. you know the one. they play it non stop in every shop in england from october to the end of december. i think its supposed to make you buy more things. it just makes me run away.
i havent heard it once yet. which is great! i dont miss it.
xmas is on the way. its odd here , cos nobodies mentioned it yet , and they dont have the huge build up like we do at home. which , actually, is really nice.
do they know its christmas?
right about now, i guess you have all been listening to that cd. you know the one. they play it non stop in every shop in england from october to the end of december. i think its supposed to make you buy more things. it just makes me run away.
i havent heard it once yet. which is great! i dont miss it.
xmas is on the way. its odd here , cos nobodies mentioned it yet , and they dont have the huge build up like we do at home. which , actually, is really nice.
do they know its christmas?
lesmopolitan
the girls in the house have put up a poster of "bloke with his shirt off" on the fridge door, in response to the picture of a semi naked chick that lives on the other fridge.
the great thing about this bloke picture is the strap line under the title, it reads:
"check out this months half naked spunk"
theres definately something very wrong with the aussies. this was in lesmopolitan. maybe its true about the only culture in oz being yogurt....
i also took the "are you clitorally dependant" test that was in cosmo, and you'll be happy to hear i am nearly, but not quite.
the girls in the house have put up a poster of "bloke with his shirt off" on the fridge door, in response to the picture of a semi naked chick that lives on the other fridge.
the great thing about this bloke picture is the strap line under the title, it reads:
"check out this months half naked spunk"
theres definately something very wrong with the aussies. this was in lesmopolitan. maybe its true about the only culture in oz being yogurt....
i also took the "are you clitorally dependant" test that was in cosmo, and you'll be happy to hear i am nearly, but not quite.
odd shaped balls
hahahahahahhahaaaa!!!! i got the night off to watch the game.
wasnt the rugby fantastic last night? i was watching it in melankas bar in alice springs, ....there were loads of aussies there, quite a few english too...was great to see the smiles wiped from their faces! World champions. marvellous. the pommes are rampant!
swing low sweet chariot!
hahahahahahhahaaaa!!!! i got the night off to watch the game.
wasnt the rugby fantastic last night? i was watching it in melankas bar in alice springs, ....there were loads of aussies there, quite a few english too...was great to see the smiles wiped from their faces! World champions. marvellous. the pommes are rampant!
swing low sweet chariot!
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
weatherwell, i hate to state the obvious but cor blimy govna' its hot. 40 degrees today. sticky too. and thats just my pants.
not much to say
well, as ther title suggests, not much going on at the mo. the bar has been dead for a couple of nights now, so have had to close early, and am not getting many paid hours. what with the lack of customers and the lack of conversation with afore said "we're mad us" irish girls, time drags too...hopefully it'll pick up.
well, as ther title suggests, not much going on at the mo. the bar has been dead for a couple of nights now, so have had to close early, and am not getting many paid hours. what with the lack of customers and the lack of conversation with afore said "we're mad us" irish girls, time drags too...hopefully it'll pick up.
Monday, November 17, 2003
an oldie but a goldiea good retort to any australian anti-pomme rant is to say that london is where you find australians as they should be.....behind bars.
most of them dont get it. still, makes me laugh.
Come on the lions
being the only english in a bar surrounded by aussies, irish and welsh who all to a man supported the french in the cup final was not comfy, especially when the froggies went ahead.....the amount of stick i was gonna get if we lost would have been unimaginable. i think i would have had to crawl under ayers rock to get away from it.
which made it all the nicer when we ripped those sporting cocks' heads off!
marvellous.
of course, if we loose to australia next week my life will be hell.
everyone already refers to me as "the pomme", as if they have never seen one before, there could only ever be one of us, and if two met in the same vicinity there would be some sort of explosion.
found out what it means as well, POME, Prisoner Of Mother England.
i always thought it was something to do with apples.
being the only english in a bar surrounded by aussies, irish and welsh who all to a man supported the french in the cup final was not comfy, especially when the froggies went ahead.....the amount of stick i was gonna get if we lost would have been unimaginable. i think i would have had to crawl under ayers rock to get away from it.
which made it all the nicer when we ripped those sporting cocks' heads off!
marvellous.
of course, if we loose to australia next week my life will be hell.
everyone already refers to me as "the pomme", as if they have never seen one before, there could only ever be one of us, and if two met in the same vicinity there would be some sort of explosion.
found out what it means as well, POME, Prisoner Of Mother England.
i always thought it was something to do with apples.
The Keaton Kup
My old workmates have named a go-kart race after me(cheers guys!im honoured) ...heres the results of the first Keaton Klub Kart Kup....:
Motor sports CAN be dangerous….
Motor sports CAN be dangerous, was the first thing that the safety instructor tried, but failed, to engrave into our fragile little minds, in a night packed with frills, spills and irate drivers!
The pitiable practice laps where drivers tested out their karts from speed and mobility were the only time where it looked like people had remembered stuff from the ‘driver awareness’ course that they attended earlier this year.
With only six places up for grabs in the final the heats started in good spirits, with Chignell; Rodgers; Humphreys; Macnamara; Dooks; Mercer; Harrison; Read; Pearson; Powell and our two guests for the evening (Stephen and Hackett), all fighting it out for the all important points. Humprheys, Pearson and Chignell were the firm favourites to take the title of the Keaton Klub Kart Kup, with outside beats on the dark horse Mercer and our two guests.
Come the sixth and final heat, the hot-headed irate drivers, Read, Pearson & Powell battled it out in probably the closest, event packed race of the evening. In the early laps, Pearson floored it coming down the hill in an attempt to out race Read, only for Read to close the gap, causing Pearson to swerve out of the way; Powell faced with the choice of ploughing straight into Read or clipping the side of Pearson’s Kart opted for the later, putting the Pearson in a spin and back into last place. The rest of the race saw neither Powell nor Read being able to race away from one another and they both dog fought for the lead. Little did they know that Pearson was clawing his way back into contention and come the final lap was sat in third place just behind Powell and race leader Read. With the final bend approaching, Read spotted the Stewart about to lift the, what turned out for him to be an elusive chequered flag. In the excitement of it all Read failed slow down and swerved directly into the path of Powell. Powell had no option but to hit Reads’ Kart front first into the side barrier. Powell’s kart lost all its speed and crawled over the finish line, only to be piped to first place by the Pearson’s powerful flying machine! Read finished the race sixth and the points lost were most likely an influential factor as to why he didn’t make the grade for the final. The Stewart clearly taking Reads’ side in the fiasco marched over tot the pits to have a word or two in Powell’s ear about the final moments of the race. ‘Do that again and you’ve be thrown out of the Kup’ were some of the repeatable words said! The Chingell files got the whole race on camera and it will be clear for all to see that Read was outta control and the close up of him punching his steering wheel in discussed is somewhat amusing, to say the least.
Two lacklustre semis followed heat six and the final six were: Pearson, Stephen, Mercer, Hackett, Humphreys and Powell all qualifying for the final. Harrison won the fair play award by coming keen about the fact that he didn’t win one of the earlier heats, boosting Humphreys’ score, with the net result of Harrison not amassing enough points to make it to the final. It’s a game of winners and losers and fair play is soon forgotten in the history of the Keaton Klub Kart Kup.
Pearson winning every race of the evening meant that it was a tall order to snatch this one from him. Stephen finished second closely followed by Mercer. Powell and Humphreys had lemming karts in the final and finished a dismal fifth and sixth respectfully. Powell’s first kart was so poor that the front left wheel was left hanging on in the early stages of the race. The race stopped, Powell’s kart was changed, but to no avail. Congratulations go to the mighty Pearson stormed home to victory and is the first holder of the Keaton Klub Kart Kup.
Race statistics are to follow courteous of Pearson and video footage to follow courteous of Chignell Productions Ltd.
Lessons learnt, include ‘make sure that before embarking on a safe homeward journey, make sure you have collected all your valuables’.
Message to Bagel Boy, I have arranged for your mobile fone to be couriered over and it is safely sat on my desk. Only a few calls to my grandmother in Australia have occurred and will appear on your next monthly statement.
Next sporting event is yet to be arranged, but rumour is that it will be fight club held in the Abbey House underground car park!
(keV) WHERE WAS HUMPHREYS?? ALL THAT BLUSTER.....HE WAS NOWHERE , THATS WHERE!
My old workmates have named a go-kart race after me(cheers guys!im honoured) ...heres the results of the first Keaton Klub Kart Kup....:
Motor sports CAN be dangerous….
Motor sports CAN be dangerous, was the first thing that the safety instructor tried, but failed, to engrave into our fragile little minds, in a night packed with frills, spills and irate drivers!
The pitiable practice laps where drivers tested out their karts from speed and mobility were the only time where it looked like people had remembered stuff from the ‘driver awareness’ course that they attended earlier this year.
With only six places up for grabs in the final the heats started in good spirits, with Chignell; Rodgers; Humphreys; Macnamara; Dooks; Mercer; Harrison; Read; Pearson; Powell and our two guests for the evening (Stephen and Hackett), all fighting it out for the all important points. Humprheys, Pearson and Chignell were the firm favourites to take the title of the Keaton Klub Kart Kup, with outside beats on the dark horse Mercer and our two guests.
Come the sixth and final heat, the hot-headed irate drivers, Read, Pearson & Powell battled it out in probably the closest, event packed race of the evening. In the early laps, Pearson floored it coming down the hill in an attempt to out race Read, only for Read to close the gap, causing Pearson to swerve out of the way; Powell faced with the choice of ploughing straight into Read or clipping the side of Pearson’s Kart opted for the later, putting the Pearson in a spin and back into last place. The rest of the race saw neither Powell nor Read being able to race away from one another and they both dog fought for the lead. Little did they know that Pearson was clawing his way back into contention and come the final lap was sat in third place just behind Powell and race leader Read. With the final bend approaching, Read spotted the Stewart about to lift the, what turned out for him to be an elusive chequered flag. In the excitement of it all Read failed slow down and swerved directly into the path of Powell. Powell had no option but to hit Reads’ Kart front first into the side barrier. Powell’s kart lost all its speed and crawled over the finish line, only to be piped to first place by the Pearson’s powerful flying machine! Read finished the race sixth and the points lost were most likely an influential factor as to why he didn’t make the grade for the final. The Stewart clearly taking Reads’ side in the fiasco marched over tot the pits to have a word or two in Powell’s ear about the final moments of the race. ‘Do that again and you’ve be thrown out of the Kup’ were some of the repeatable words said! The Chingell files got the whole race on camera and it will be clear for all to see that Read was outta control and the close up of him punching his steering wheel in discussed is somewhat amusing, to say the least.
Two lacklustre semis followed heat six and the final six were: Pearson, Stephen, Mercer, Hackett, Humphreys and Powell all qualifying for the final. Harrison won the fair play award by coming keen about the fact that he didn’t win one of the earlier heats, boosting Humphreys’ score, with the net result of Harrison not amassing enough points to make it to the final. It’s a game of winners and losers and fair play is soon forgotten in the history of the Keaton Klub Kart Kup.
Pearson winning every race of the evening meant that it was a tall order to snatch this one from him. Stephen finished second closely followed by Mercer. Powell and Humphreys had lemming karts in the final and finished a dismal fifth and sixth respectfully. Powell’s first kart was so poor that the front left wheel was left hanging on in the early stages of the race. The race stopped, Powell’s kart was changed, but to no avail. Congratulations go to the mighty Pearson stormed home to victory and is the first holder of the Keaton Klub Kart Kup.
Race statistics are to follow courteous of Pearson and video footage to follow courteous of Chignell Productions Ltd.
Lessons learnt, include ‘make sure that before embarking on a safe homeward journey, make sure you have collected all your valuables’.
Message to Bagel Boy, I have arranged for your mobile fone to be couriered over and it is safely sat on my desk. Only a few calls to my grandmother in Australia have occurred and will appear on your next monthly statement.
Next sporting event is yet to be arranged, but rumour is that it will be fight club held in the Abbey House underground car park!
(keV) WHERE WAS HUMPHREYS?? ALL THAT BLUSTER.....HE WAS NOWHERE , THATS WHERE!
Cameron McKenna
an old work mate friend of mine has reminded me about a project i worked on, the tman link, and actually, how bad can things be now that i dont have to work on it now! james mate, you are so right!
im working in a bar in Alice Springs man, and im lovin it!
an old work mate friend of mine has reminded me about a project i worked on, the tman link, and actually, how bad can things be now that i dont have to work on it now! james mate, you are so right!
im working in a bar in Alice Springs man, and im lovin it!
livers
was having a chat with this guy about how buggered his kidneys were, and i said jokingly that i'd sold both of mine for 50 grand each. his mate fell hook line and sinker...wanted to know where i'd had it done, how much it hurt...were there any scars etc.
was having a chat with this guy about how buggered his kidneys were, and i said jokingly that i'd sold both of mine for 50 grand each. his mate fell hook line and sinker...wanted to know where i'd had it done, how much it hurt...were there any scars etc.
cockroach
just as i was writing my last entry, this german girl starts screaming and leaping about and runs out of the internet cafe.
it was just a cockroach for christ sake. ok, he was quite a biggun. at least he was polite.
i thought that was quite funny.
but then i am a bastard like that!
just as i was writing my last entry, this german girl starts screaming and leaping about and runs out of the internet cafe.
it was just a cockroach for christ sake. ok, he was quite a biggun. at least he was polite.
i thought that was quite funny.
but then i am a bastard like that!
irish electricity
so im being told about this set of lights that have to be turned on outside the bar when it gets dark etc....
anyways, she (anita, irish girl) tells me that you have to connect two wires together. having seen some of the wiring out here, i was a bit worried, so i asked if they were bare wire and where can i turn it off before touching such things. to which she scowls, shakes her hear (at stupid english boy...) and says
"oh jey-sus no, theres a little plug, it has to be connected so , i tink its to do wit the lectricity beeing able to come back home or something...oter-wise it doesnt work"
jesus christ. i just shut up, held my tongue.
so im being told about this set of lights that have to be turned on outside the bar when it gets dark etc....
anyways, she (anita, irish girl) tells me that you have to connect two wires together. having seen some of the wiring out here, i was a bit worried, so i asked if they were bare wire and where can i turn it off before touching such things. to which she scowls, shakes her hear (at stupid english boy...) and says
"oh jey-sus no, theres a little plug, it has to be connected so , i tink its to do wit the lectricity beeing able to come back home or something...oter-wise it doesnt work"
jesus christ. i just shut up, held my tongue.
irish women...jeyeysus begorrah
when i first met these two irish gorls i work with , they were all like..."oh yeah, we're mad us" etc etc.....i was slightly suspicious as anyomne who, when they introduce themselves as being "totally mad, im crazy me" , thats usually the most mad thing about them and fun flows then out of them at a rate of close to that of a snail stuck in glue.
anyways, my suspicions have been prooved right, as they are some of the thickist, dullest people i have met to date.....they both scowl all the time, and i think they frighten the customers. their idea of fun is to do aerobics moves everytime one of two songs come on, "its raining men" (i pity the poor buggers who fall anywhere near them...) or "i will survive". thats them being mad.
crazy cats huh??
when i first met these two irish gorls i work with , they were all like..."oh yeah, we're mad us" etc etc.....i was slightly suspicious as anyomne who, when they introduce themselves as being "totally mad, im crazy me" , thats usually the most mad thing about them and fun flows then out of them at a rate of close to that of a snail stuck in glue.
anyways, my suspicions have been prooved right, as they are some of the thickist, dullest people i have met to date.....they both scowl all the time, and i think they frighten the customers. their idea of fun is to do aerobics moves everytime one of two songs come on, "its raining men" (i pity the poor buggers who fall anywhere near them...) or "i will survive". thats them being mad.
crazy cats huh??
bikes
well, so i bought a second hand bike. of course, i didnt check it, too trusting me. anyway, the bearings on the front wheels are buggered, but she still rolls so what the hell. makes quite a nice grinding noise as you ride along. rather distinctive i feel. marvellous.
well, so i bought a second hand bike. of course, i didnt check it, too trusting me. anyway, the bearings on the front wheels are buggered, but she still rolls so what the hell. makes quite a nice grinding noise as you ride along. rather distinctive i feel. marvellous.
